If he loves me

Yesterday I was watching Dilwale Dulhania Le Jaange. It’s this corny old Bollywood film. I’m not going to get into the whole story but there’s a scene where the girl, Simran, is walking away from the guy, Raj. She’s going towards the train they’re both about to get on. Now Raj is standing on the bridge holding his fiddle watching her go, and he says, “If she loves me, she’ll turn around and look back.” She doesn’t turn until the very last moment as she’s climbing onto the train when she looks back at him and smiles. So just a while ago when I was lying in bed angry at Ali, I thought to myself that if Ali messages me now with a question, he loves me. It wasn’t a serious thought. I was thinking about the scene from the movie and thought that sarcastically. I was rolling over in bed, phone in hand, as I thought it. The thought had barely even formed itself when my phone vibrated with a message. I froze and looked down at it to see Ali asking, “Sanaa? You there?” It’s just a silly coincident, right?

Time Machine

Topic #15:

If you had a time machine that only let you spend one hour in a different time, what date would you go to?

Holy… That’s a hard question to answer. It’ll take about an hour just to get used to being in a different time. And I’m guessing this time machine only takes you back and forth in time. Location stays the same. So whatever I pick, I’ll still be sitting here on my bed. Or sitting in the spot my bed is right now. And if I can’t change location as well as time, I can only think of two dates I’d want to visit. Either I’d go back to the year 600 or so. When the prophet was still alive. Although, being in Riyadh, it’s not like I’d get to see him or anyone else. I’m not even sure what was over here back then. And it’d definitely take me over an hour to get to Madina. It takes over an hour right now. So no… That’s a pointless date to go to. My other date was going to be like 10 years in the future. Just to see what I’m up to in 2021. Even if I’m not living here anymore, I’m sure I could get access to a computer and check my Facebook page or whatever’s popular then. I could look up the rest of my family too. I could find out who I’m married to. And if it’s not someone I already know, I could find him when I come back to my own time. And if it is somebody I already know… Well, that’d be interesting. Oh and I could check out all the latest technology, go back to my time, and then sell those ideas.

A Recent Aha! Moment

Reading this topic made me realize I don’t ever have Aha! moments. At least, I can’t recall any. You’d think that if a moment is an Aha! moment, you would remember it… I wonder why it is that I don’t have any. Am I doing something wrong?

How Do I Stay Focused

Let me just say straight out – I’m horrible at staying focused. But aren’t we all nowadays? It’s like we’ve all got ADD. Watching my mom do something on the laptop drives me insane. She’ll have one window open where she’ll be replying to an email. After she finishes, she’ll close that window and then open a new one to check Facebook. And then she’ll close that before opening a new one to Google something she heard that day that she wants to know more about.

I, on the other hand, never have less than 3 browser windows open – each with 3-4 tabs. Facebook, Tumblr, Gmail, WordPress; a couple half-read Google searches and/or articles; vworker projects I want to or  already have bid on, an e-version of whatever book I’m reading; plus, MSN messenger and a few chats, maybe a couple downloads in the background, music playing on iTunes. Oh and of course an episode of Friends (season 4, episode 9 at the moment). Even when I was younger, and my dad would walk past me sitting on the PC and see all these windows open, he’d make sure to stop and tell me to stop multitasking and focus on one thing at a time. “You’ll never get anything done this way. You’ll make mistakes and won’t even notice,” he’d say. Obviously I never listened. I can’t work on just one thing at a time. I just don’t have that kind of focus. Even writing this post, I’ve switched windows at least five times. Checked my mail, replied to some chats, watched a few minutes of Friends (Monica and Phoebe just showed the group a “bitchin’ van” for their catering business).

The closest I can come to focus is when I turn off my laptop, lock myself in my room away from the TV, hide my phone in my sock drawer, and sit on the floor in the middle of my room where I can’t reach anything else with whatever it is I need to focus on. And even then I usually end up laying on my back staring at the ceiling lost in a daydream.

Honestly, the only time I’m truly focused is probably when I’m praying or reading Quran. Well, to be completely honest, my focus wanders then too. To the stupidest things at that. I start wondering what key chain I should put on my keys now that my brother lost the old one or wear that old Bell Labs t-shirt I nicked from my dad’s closet a few years ago went.

It’s sad. I really do wish I had more focus. I’ve heard yoga helps… But I really can’t force myself to clear my head like that. I can go through the movements well enough but don’t ask me to concentrate on my breathing and send the oxygen to my sore knee.

PostADay 2011

Alrighty. Let’s see how this goes. I really need to write more. I used to write ALL the time. About the stupidest things. But lately I’ve just stopped. I guess I had my reasons but I’m done making excuses. I want to write!

I.Y.A.

I.Y.A. by Chris Brown

“I know this,” I said, sitting up a little as the music started. “It sounds so familiar.”

“Does it now?” he said, flashing me a quick grin without taking his eyes off the road.

“What is it?!” I cried, clamping my hands between my knees and leaning forward. I was mentally running through a whole list of songs, trying to place this one. “Is it that one you sent to me the other day? The ‘na na na na’ one?”

“Nope,” he laughed. “Just listen.”

I pouted and turned in my seat to catch a glimpse of my cousin in the back. She was still on the phone with that Kevin creep but she glanced up and waggled her eyebrows teasingly at me. I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile before turning back to face front and listened to the song.

So lay me down
Tell me what I wanna hear
Take me down
There’s nobody else I’d rather be with
I wanna wake up in your arms.

As Chris Brown crooned that last line, I felt a blush rising up my neck to my cheeks and a smile spreading over my lips. I squirmed and sunk down in my seat, grinning shyly. I looked up at him and could see him pressing his lips tightly together the way he did when he was trying to hide a smile. My heart skipped several beats and all I could think about was how much I loved that dork sitting there, and how I could not wait for the day I woke up in his arms.

i’m afraid i’m gonna get married and it won’t be you

He didn’t even try to stop me from leaving… It’d be so much easier if he’d just say he doesn’t care anymore. What’s he playing at? Two months ago he said he could literally talk to me all day and not get tired. And now… And now a couple hours and he’s rushing away. I want that back. I want it back now. I want someone to fight for me just once in my life. Why didn’t he ask me to stay?

Our conversations are so much shorter now. You’re always rushing off. Or is it just me? I know you have things to do. You’re busy with school and you’re working so hard. You have chores around the house. Errands for your dad. Job interviews. I know that… And I know you don’t even really have time to talk to me. With all the sleep that you’re missing and everything. But you’re still making time to talk to me almost everyday. That’s more than you’re doing for anyone. But… I miss you. I miss those few days we both had so much time with nothing to do. I miss spending ten hours straight just laying in bed talking to you. What can I say? Every time you say you should get going, my heart breaks a little. I don’t know if you notice or not. You must notice. I don’t try hiding it very hard. I guess I hope you’ll see my sadness and stay a little longer. I know. I’m pathetic. You don’t need to tell me. I… I don’t even know what else to say besides I miss you. And I want to talk to you. Every conversation leaves me with so much left unsaid. I never get to say what I want anymore.

I can’t even finish this post. I feel like shit. Worse. I’m out.

I know I disappeared… I’ve just been so unmotivated lately. And lazy. So lazy. I’m actually too lazy to even think my thoughts all the way through let alone write about them. I mean, think up words to describe how I feel? Please… Can’t I just roll over in bed and listen to more music? Just saying that is making me want to lay back, stretch out, and let myself drift off to sleep. But I won’t. Not just yet. I’ll get a post out of myself yet.

Okay, so let’s see. What’s on my mind right now? Well… I guess it’s that thing Ali said last night. I told him about how sometimes when I walk into my room, the way it smells and feels reminds me of him. I’ve started associating those things with him. It’s really not as weird as it sounds. It’s just the only things I do in my room are sleep, watch movies and TV shows, Tumblr, read, and talk to Ali. I would normally say chat with friends but I’ve been mostly out of touch with most of my friends. I know you’re just dying for me to go into more detail, but that’s a story for another post. So of all those things I do in here, the only one that actually builds any kinds of memories for me to associate is talking to Ali. Ergo, my room makes me think of him. When I told him about that, he told me that sometimes when he’s talking to me, he smells – or thinks he smells – some kind of shampoo. A delicate smell, he called it. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean or anything. Does his brain trick him into thinking he can smell me? Or my shampoo? Ah, the way I say it, it sounds creepy. But it’s not. It was sweet. It made me smile like a total idiot. I like when he says things like that. Things that show he thinks about me and that he cares. I know he cares. He’s told me he cares loads of times. But I’m…in secure, I guess. I just need to hear it more often. I didn’t know I was like that until Taha actually. Before that, I thought I was so cool and distant. That I didn’t need all the sappy closeness and comfort. The security and assurances. He gave them to me anyway and now I need it. I know Ali isn’t Taha. They’re different people. What Taha meant to me – what I meant to him – that’s not what I have with Ali. I know that. But…I don’t know. I guess I just wish I did. I don’t know if it’s Ali I want or if it’s just what I had with Taha that I want again.

Oh God. This post is going somewhere I don’t think I want to go. I’ll write again soon. I’m off to find sustenance now.